Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Feeling lost

There are many times in a parent's career that they feel lost, unsure of what to do next. I am going through one of those times. T is struggling so much emotionally right now, and I have no idea what to do to help him. He is going from my sweet little boy, to an angry, mean kid in seconds. He goes from being my happy go lucky kid to a puddle of tears and shakes in the blink of an eye. It's like someone flips a switch on him, the change is that quick. There are a lot of transitions happening now, the end of preschool, saying goodbye to friends, preparing for summer, and then kindergarten. He's going through a growth spurt, so his emotions are trying to grow with him. He feels out of control of what is happening to his routine, to his body, and emotionally. You can see fear in his eyes when he's angry, as well as when he's sad. His anxiety is palpable at times, and it breaks my heart. Last week I spent an hour trying to comfort T as he sobbed in my arms. He was missing my grandmother who died 1.5 years ago. They weren't super close, but her death is the only experience he really has with losing someone. As he sobbed, and shook, I held him and tried to comfort him. I could feel his pulse racing, and hear the panic in his voice as he asked question after question about his GG and how he could ever talk to her again. His sadness and grief had turned into a panic attack. That was the night that I realized I was helpless, that I had no idea how to help him. Until this week he has been holding it together at school, and then coming home and losing all control. Today, however, was a different story. He went from smiling and laughing on the bus to crying and screaming, and back again with no known cause. He was super emotional during school, asking for me, for his "Geego" (security blankey)and his frustration level was super high. When he came home, he was sweet until I had to say "no" the first time, then there were tears, thrown toys and stomping feet. When he calmed down from that he cried and cried about how he wouldn't be able to take his bird with him when he was a grown up and moved out. Those are just a couple examples of what life for T has been like the last two weeks or so. Granted, he has been able to appropriately handle his emotions during school until today, but he is obviously miserable. And I, his mom, don't know how to help him. The fact that he is struggling so hard to hold it all together through school, and now having trouble with that, makes me very nervous for kindergarten next year. Will he be able to make friends even if his emotions get out of control? Will he be able to handle full day kindergarten? Will he be labeled "the bad kid," or the "baby." I am scared for my son and I have no idea where to turn, what to try, or what the answers are. Today I am lost.

Friday, February 10, 2012

The good times

Life with my 5 year old, SPD kiddo can be tough...

But then there are the good times. The past two weeks have been so smooth, that I imagine this is what it's like to have a neurotypical kid. T has been so great! His body is organized, his focus is sharp, he's flexible and generally happy.

It's times like this that remind me that all the hard work we put into his therapies is worth it. The exercises, the weighted vest, the making special meals, and the focus on games that improve his SPD symptoms are all working.

The last two weeks I have received nothing but good reports from T's teachers, his OT and his PT. At home he has worked so hard on being flexible when his schedule has to change, and very honest when he needs it to stay the same. T has been very vocal about what will help him keep "his engine in the green," and we have worked as a team to make those things happen. He has been patient and controlled when his needs had to wait for a few minutes, and I have been very careful to make sure that I take the time to help him. It's been a partnership made in heaven.

At school, T has been flexible with change. He has participated in activities that he usually tries to fight, like music class, and he has been kind to his friends. T has been following directions, and has volunteered to help around the classroom.

At OT/PT, my usually unfocused, sensory seeking boy has been calm, and focused on the activities. He's been respectful, and eager to work hard. There has been more improvement in both therapies in the last two weeks, than there was in the past two months. He has come out of the therapy office smiling, and feeling extremely proud of his work. It is an awesome change.

At home, T has been wonderful. He has been happy to play with toys by himself while I do work around the house. He has been a wonderful host to a few playdates, and even politely ended the playdate when he was too overwhelmed. He has taken quiet breaks when he needed them, and taken jumping or spinning breaks when those feel right. There have been fewer arguments, and he has even tried a few new foods.

Sometimes it feels like we take two steps forward and three back, and it's so easy to get stuck on the hard times. I am so thankful that, this time, I am able to step back, relax and enjoy this period of calm. I hope that this break will leave T and I more rested and prepared to deal with whatever challenge is next.

Monday, January 9, 2012

"I Hate Myself!"

There is little harder to hear than the person you love most saying that they hate themselves. It breaks my heart to even think that my beautiful, smart, and sensitive son feels this way sometimes. I know we all have our down days, but a 5 year old should never feel that way.
This is our new struggle.
T has been saying this the past couple of weeks, mainly at school. When I ask him about it, he says that it's true. He "hates" himself, and that he's not as good as the other kids in his class. He is really struggling with writing, and he sees his friends (both in school and out) able to write better than he can. 
The thing is, it's not true. T goes to a developmental preschool where the other kids are of varying abilities. He is by far not the worst writer in his class. heck, there are children in there that can't hold a pencil. But he doesn't see this. He only sees the other students who can write their names on just one line, that they can form numbers on their paper, that they can draw the shapes they are asked to draw. 
He is very discouraged, and doesn't want to practice at home. He says that he's shy, and that I'll be upset that he can't write well. 
I've talked to his OT and she will start working more closely on his writing skills. And I know his teacher has been working closely with him.  
His teacher is also in very close contact with me, she emails me every afternoon to let me know how T was at school. He has been unusually emotional lately, but I chalked that up to his recent growth spurt and the return to routine after the holidays. I'm starting to worry that there is more there, I'm starting to worry about his self esteem.
I am realistic that this is just the beginning of the struggles he will face in school. That there will be many more things that will make him feel like he is not "as good" as his peers. What I'm trying to figure out now is how to build the self esteem he needs to know that he is just as good as his friends, no matter his abilities. I try to remind him of the things that he does really well. For instance, he is extremely athletic, he has an amazing grasp on the English language and communicates at the level of a 7-8 year old (if not higher now) and he is so compassionate.  
My son is developing the self awareness to know that he is different from many of his peers. He has told me about how some kids are afraid of him, that he doesn't understand the rules to the games kids his age want to play, and that he feels different. I think my challenge as his mother is how to build on the things he does well, and to support him when he needs to work harder on the things that he falls behind in. Creating a balance for him, so that he can build a healthy self image. 
How do help your child when they realize they are different?